Is This It? Page 3

  3

  I’d woken up after five hours’ sleep to the driest mouth in existence and ketchup smeared all over my pyjamas. After scrambling to get ready, I paid £2 to hire a bike and cycled as fast as I could to Anna’s. I almost fell off trying to take my jumper off mid-ride. It’s my own fault; Mam always says you should never wear wool on a hangover.

  I knocked on the front door. I could hear feet shuffling at the other side of the doorway, alongside some whispers. I knocked again, and someone said ‘Shush!’, a little too loudly.

  ‘Anna?’ I said, knocking even louder this time. ‘It’s me. Can you let me in, please?’

  I waited. Still, no answer.

  ‘Hello? It’s hotter than the sun out here! Open the bloody door!’

  Suddenly, the door flew open and there was Anna, in a figure-hugging black dress revealing her big, beautiful baby bump.

  She dragged me into the hallway.

  ‘You’re late.’

  ‘I’m sorry.’

  ‘You’re sweating.’

  ‘It’s unseasonably hot.’

  ‘This was all Mam’s idea, just go along with it.’

  ‘What? Why is Mam here? Is Dad here, too?’

  She pushed me through the hall and into the darkened living room.

  As I stepped inside, the lights went on, various voices erupted in a bellowing ‘SURPRISE!’ and there, standing in front of me, was Mam, Dad, and my brother-in-law Mark.

  ‘What’s going on?’ I asked.

  ‘Darling! Congratulations,’ Mam said, running towards me and almost knocking me over.

  Mark was shaking his head at me in a manner that conveyed that he, too, had no idea why I was being thrown a surprise party. I looked to Dad for an answer, but he was too busy trying to reset the ‘Congratulations’ banner, which was falling off the wall.

  ‘This is why I do these things myself, Tony,’ Mam said, running over to Dad. ‘You didn’t put enough on the wall, did you? Why are you being so tight with the Blu Tack?’

  Anna handed me a glass of champagne.

  ‘Why are we having champagne?’ I asked.

  ‘Mam’s idea. There was a special offer in Aldi.’

  ‘Well, this is a genuine surprise,’ I said, hugging Mam. ‘I didn’t know you were coming to stay.’

  ‘We drove up this morning,’ Mam said. ‘Luckily, I had Graham Norton to keep me company; your father refused to speak to me the entire drive.’

  ‘I didn’t refuse to speak to you, Mags. I need a little bit of quiet when I’m driving, that’s all.’

  He held his arms out and I walked right into them. ‘We’ve missed you girls.’

  ‘I’ve missed you too but I’m a bit confused – can someone tell me why I’m being thrown a surprise party?’

  Mam started to untie my ponytail. I stood stationary as she reached for her comb.

  ‘I thought we could celebrate you getting on to your teacher training thing,’ she said.

  ‘I’ve not sent off my application yet.’

  ‘So, what was this week for? Wasn’t that your interview?’

  She was tugging at the ponytail on my head.

  ‘Mam, please, stop it. That hurts.’

  ‘If you’re going to have your hair up at least make it tidy, mun.’

  ‘It wasn’t an interview,’ I said. ‘It was a work experience week to see if I’ve got what it takes.’

  ‘I’m sure my precious baby lamb was the most popular girl in school.’

  ‘It’s not about being popular. It’s about being equipped to do the job.’

  Mam let go of my hair and started to untangle the balloons. I gave Anna my glass of champagne.

  ‘There’s no way I can drink that today,’ I said.

  I patted her stomach, desperate to feel a kick. I’d been singing noughties pop to her bump for weeks now, and still had nothing in response. It was making me nervous we’d have nothing in common.

  ‘You’ve really grown this week,’ I said.

  Her face turned to a scowl. ‘Ivy, that’s not an ideal thing to say to a pregnant woman.’

  ‘How come Ivy’s allowed to touch your belly like that?’ Mark asked.

  ‘I’m not going over this again,’ Anna said.

  ‘Over what?’ I asked.

  ‘Mark and I had a bit of a disagreement yesterday, but I don’t want to go into it.’

  ‘OK—’

  ‘Fine, I’ll go into it.’

  I looked to Mark, whose facial expression had turned to exasperation.

  ‘We were having a drink after work when his colleague started rubbing my belly.’

  ‘She was trying to be nice, Anna,’ Mark said.

  ‘She’d already made a comment about me taking a sip – and it was the smallest sip – of Mark’s wine,’ she said to me.

  ‘Anna, let’s not sensationalise,’ Mark said, touching her arm.

  There was a new vein on her forehead and it was pulsating as she spoke.

  ‘If I want a drink, I can have a drink.’

  ‘It’s a classic example of the male patriarchy,’ Mam said, pointing at Mark. ‘Anna is in control of her body and if she wants a one hundred and twenty-five millilitre glass of Picpoul de Pony, then that’s on her.’

  ‘It’s Picpoul de Pinet,’ Dad said.

  ‘I give up,’ Mark said, walking into the kitchen.

  ‘So, I shouldn’t have touched your belly?’ I asked.

  ‘You’re allowed to touch my belly, because you’re my sister. Susan from Leeds who I’ve met three times in the past decade isn’t allowed to start rubbing my lower regions, all whilst telling me that I need to watch what I’m eating as I’m already a lot bigger than she was in her second trimester.’

  Anna’s face was now scarlet red.

  ‘Why does it matter that she’s from Leeds?’ I asked.

  ‘Ivy!’

  ‘Sorry. Why don’t you sit down?’

  She sat on the sofa and hoisted her legs up on the armrest.

  ‘Anna, when’s the last time your cleaner came over?’ Mam asked, picking a sock up from the floor.

  ‘A couple of weeks ago.’

  ‘You need someone to come more often when the baby is born; the house will be a state.’

  I watched Anna’s vein beat rapidly.

  ‘Ivy,’ Dad said, ‘why don’t you come sit in the garden with me for a minute?’

  I did as I was told and followed him outside.

  ‘You’re hung-over, aren’t you?’ he said.

  ‘How did you know?’

  ‘You stink of booze and you’re on the verge of tears.’

  ‘I’m sorry.’

  ‘What happened?’

  I considered how to tell my father the reality of the situation without him thinking I was a complete failure.

  ‘If you’re like me, and you’re going into teaching late, you can learn on the job. That’s what I thought I could do – train full-time in a school, and earn a salary doing it. But Mr Reid said I don’t have the experience.’

  ‘But you’re doing work experience now, and what about those summers at the school in Bristol?’

  ‘It’s not enough. He said I need to go back to university, for at least part of the course anyway.’

  ‘What’s the problem with that?’

  ‘The tuition fees are nine grand. I can’t keep working and do the course. I’d have to live off the money Gramps left me.’

  ‘That should be plenty. Don’t tell me you’ve been squandering it on nights out with Mia and Dan?’

  ‘No, but—’

  ‘Ivy, how much of Gramps’ money do you have left?’

  I told myself last year that I wouldn’t be a disappointment to my parents any more. Yet, there we were.

  ‘Just under seventeen thousand.’

  ‘Seventeen! What happened to the rest? That money is for your future, Ivy.’

  ‘Dad, I live in London. I was unemployed for two months.’

  He shot daggers at m
e.

  ‘I know Gramps left me the money to do something with my life, and I’m sorry I dipped into it without telling you, but I didn’t have a choice.’

  ‘You’re a grown up, Ivy. You should be able to manage your own finances.’

  ‘I know, and I’m sorry. I want to use Gramps’ money to do this teaching course. I know I’ve had a few second thoughts, but the more I think about it, the more I want to do this. I can make it work.’

  ‘In that case, we’re going to sit down and go through your spending. Don’t you dare think you can hide anything from me, Ivy. If you’re serious about this, then I need you to start taking responsibility.’

  ‘I’m deadly serious about this. And I will, I promise.’

  ‘Don’t look so forlorn. Believe in yourself. Focus on the future, not the past. Be the driving force in your life. Stop making excuses.’

  ‘What a splendid bunch of clichés.’

  ‘Who you are is up for grabs, and if you don’t decide who that person is soon enough, someone else will decide for you.’

  ‘Who?’

  ‘Your mother, probably.’

  He lifted my chin with his fingers so that I was looking directly at him.

  ‘Choosing to do something different with your life is never easy. It takes courage and guts and determination, and I know you’ve always had those in spades.’

  ‘Stop it, you’re going to set me off.’

  ‘That’s your own fault for being hung-over and emotional.’

  4

  I stared at the application form on my laptop – just as I’d done every day for the past seven days since finishing my work placement. There were two questions I could not find the adequate words to answer: why do you want to be a teacher, and why now?

  I wanted to say that I was tenacious and imaginative and felt absolute joy at even the smallest connection with a child. But all I could think about was how scared I was – scared that this year would turn out to be another disaster, just like the last.

  I looked under my bed to see if I had an emergency stash of cigarettes, but much to my disappointment, there was none. I messaged Anna: ‘Are you home? I need to see your face.’

  She replied immediately: ‘Sitting on the sofa watching Million Dollar Listings Los Angeles. Come right over.’

  I woke up on 11 March last year blissfully unaware of the new direction my life was going to take. Every day since, there’s been this sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach – which isn’t ideal, considering it was almost four hundred days ago. Whilst the whole ‘working in a gift shop with no romantic prospects’ thing doesn’t look great for a thirty-two-year-old, outwardly I have the ability to come across as a person who is in control of their life. That afternoon walking to Anna’s was no different. I was wearing Gramps’ old cricket jumper, which Mia reliably informed me was on-trend, Anna’s fancy skinny jeans that she’s too pregnant to fit into, and Mia’s designer trainers that a love-struck producer had gifted her. My posture had improved because of the yoga, so I looked taller, and leaner, and even though my hair was up, it had that unwashed, messy look that is considered fashionable in Hackney. I like the idea of people thinking I’m someone who has their life in order. Surely that’s what adult life is – a series of pretences to make others think we’re not totally inept.

  We were sitting in Anna’s garden and I was gaping at the monstrous courgette growing in the corner.

  ‘He said he’d text,’ I said. ‘Why hasn’t he texted me?’

  ‘Who? The bloke from the bar? Men are very confusing, and often full of shit.’

  ‘It’s fine, I’m fine. That courgette is huge.’

  ‘Mark wants to enter them into a competition. Fine is half-dead, darling.’

  I handed Anna my phone and directed her to the spreadsheet I’d made.

  ‘Dad and I spent all of last night on the phone trying to figure out how I’m going to get by next year,’ I said. ‘We did the maths, it’s all there.’

  She studied the spreadsheet for a few moments.

  ‘A grand a month isn’t a lot to live off, Ives – not in London. Most of that will go on rent and bills. You’re going to have to be a bit more frugal.’

  ‘I can apply for a bursary and I’ve got more shifts at the museum.’

  ‘Do you really want to work there until September?’

  ‘Well, no, but I’m helping to plan their summer children’s programme, so at least I won’t be stuck behind the till all day, and I’ll be around kids all the time.’

  ‘I wish I could help, but with me going on maternity leave and Mark paying for his aunt’s care home—’

  ‘Please, it’s OK. I need to do this myself.’

  She passed my phone back to me. ‘I know it seems like an impossible task right now, but all this will be worth it.’

  ‘I hope so. This time last year I almost lost control of my bowels during a trip to Ikea, so this is definitely an improvement.’

  Anna held her hand to her mouth but was unable to hide her smirk.

  ‘Can I say something?’ she said.

  ‘When have you ever asked for permission to speak?’

  ‘I don’t think you would’ve done this if you were still with Jamie. If anything, he would’ve discouraged it.’

  ‘And you know what the worst part is?’

  ‘What?’

  ‘I would’ve listened to him.’

  Shortly before Jamie left, we’d been sitting on the bed while I’d moaned about how much I’d hated my job. I’d never cared for it; I’d been a PA at a private bank that nobody had ever heard of, and my boss had spent all day glaring at me whilst nibbling on a single cherry tomato.

  ‘Once we’re married, you won’t need to worry about work,’ Jamie had said. ‘Dad’s bound to give me a promotion to cover your salary, so you can focus on being a mum.’

  ‘Wow, William Langdon has it all figured out, doesn’t he?’

  ‘Don’t say it like that; he’s doing this for us. Besides, you hate your job – this is win-win.’

  There’d been a quiet but relentless whisper inside me that had got louder every time Jamie had recalled conversations with his parents about our future. But I’d been madly in love with him and, everything he’d wanted, I’d thought I wanted too.

  Anna got up from her seat, stood behind my chair, and wrapped her arms around me.

  ‘Stop beating yourself up about last year,’ she said.

  ‘I’m not.’

  ‘You are. I can read your mind, darling.’

  I kissed her cheek and rested my face against hers.

  ‘Where’s Mark?’ I asked.

  ‘I sent him out. He’s so mopey on a hangover, it does my head in.’

  ‘Remember what Gramps used to say about him?’

  ‘He’s not worth a sheep’s fart on a hangover,’ we said, in unison.

  We both laughed, and Anna sat back down in her seat.

  ‘And he never lets me watch reality TV,’ she said. ‘Why did I marry someone who doesn’t like reality TV? What sort of life is that?’

  ‘I’m glad he’s out. I need to make the most of this before the baby comes along and I never see you again.’

  ‘What’s that supposed to mean?’

  ‘I was joking, calm down.’

  She brushed her hair away from her face and I saw the bulging vein glower at me.

  ‘Nothing’s going to change. I’m not going to become one of those mothers. I’ll still be me.’

  ‘OK, if you say so.’

  ‘Ivy!’

  ‘OK, OK. Nothing’s going to change.’

  The vein quietened down, and she asked if I wanted to stay for dinner.

  ‘You’re sure Mark won’t mind me crashing again?’ I said.

  ‘Mark came home at three this morning and passed out on the toilet with a bag of Doritos in his lap, so Mark has no say in the matter.’

  ‘He’s getting it all out before the baby comes.’

  ‘I’m so je
alous. I’d love to get pissed with you tonight.’

  ‘Dad says I’m not allowed to go out boozing until I get accepted onto the course.’

  She began to laugh.

  ‘I’m so glad you find my situation amusing,’ I said.

  ‘I do love you, darling.’

  ‘I know. I love you too.’

  When I got home that night, I opened the drawer in my bedside table, to the box of photos, keepsakes and memories. I took out the letter and imagined him reading it to me in his distinctive baritone voice, a tone that almost every elderly Welshman possesses.

  Babes,

  I can’t believe today’s the day, and you’re off to Bristol University. I couldn’t be prouder of you, mun. I’ll put this in your sketch book because I knew if I said this to your face, you’d get all upset, then you’d get me all upset, and you know what I’m like when I get started.

  I thought I’d make you a bit of a list, to keep you in check, like. Here goes:

  1.Be kind to yourself – sometimes you can be a right twmffat

  2.Keep drawing – even if it’s only little doodles to send home to me

  3.Don’t spend all your money on fags (yes, I know you smoke)

  4.Stop spending all your time watching Friends. It’s gobshite

  5.Ring your mother

  6.Enunciate your words. You always lose your r’s. It makes you sound dead twp

  7.Say hello to everyone on your first day

  8.Don’t forget your roots. I asked Mammy to put my Welsh grammar book in your suitcase for you. I know everyone in Bristol is dead posh like, but for the love of Christ don’t come back with an accent

  9.Don’t stay out till God knows what time in the morning

  10.Never miss a deadline.

  Right, I’ve waffled on enough. Owen’s at the door and I’m late for cricket. I’m umpiring the U18’s again today. Little shits need to get their act together. Remind me to tell you about Owen’s grandson – now there’s a boy and a half!

  What I wanted to say is: BE BRAVE, Ivy. I know this will be brilliant, because you’re brilliant. Don’t stop believing in yourself, OK? And don’t forget about your old Gramps. I’ll be counting down the days till you’re next home and we can watch Sleepless in Seattle together. Don’t bring that popcorn over next time. You eat like a heathen and I keep finding sodding kernels everywhere.